Cynical Comedians Pillows

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"But is it art ?"

Memory Foam Mattress.

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

Oink.

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'

'My success? It's difficult to give reasons...I suppose its a combination of grit, energy, the will to succeed...and a few well-placed relations.'