Comedy Cynic Gifts

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

The Nihilist Deli.

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

Obama builds own gallows.

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

Oink.

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

What is this place? It's a new lab. I'm testing out business ideas. I'm figuring out new ways to make an extra buck, exploit consumers and drive out the competition. I'm working with fake sales, marketing gimmicks, come-ons, and let-downs. I feel like toweling off. Brilliant, we'll charge extra for napkins.

"You are gullible and naive. You believe untrained charlatans. You squander your money."