Cynics In Comedy Gifts

'I studied the issues, reviewed the facts, considered all the alternatives and decided 'the hell with it'.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

The Nihilist Deli.

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"But is it art ?"

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

Oink.

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."