Cynics In Comedy Gifts

'I studied the issues, reviewed the facts, considered all the alternatives and decided 'the hell with it'.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

The Nihilist Deli.

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

iDeasy

"But is it art ?"

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

Oink.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.