Artful Cynics Gifts

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

The Nihilist Deli.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

Bush vs. America

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Old Rope

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

Information and Still don't get it.

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

Corrupted Politicians

'My success? It's difficult to give reasons...I suppose its a combination of grit, energy, the will to succeed...and a few well-placed relations.'

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

Mail & Political lies.

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."