Call Center Cynic Gifts

'Hello, and welcome to Acme Cable. If you're calling about a billing issue, big whoop. Get over it and pay the bill. If your cable is out, who cares. When it's fixed, you'll know it. If you're...'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

Wow. A corner office at last

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

"The hours? If you have to ask, you don't want to work here."

Suggestions Box

"We couldn't give you a bigger office, so we shrunk everything down to make it appear bigger."

'For those of you who don't wish to know the results of our executives pay...turn away now.'