Workplace Cynic Gifts

The advanced motivational exercise required killing the boss, burying the body and not ratting out your co-workers.

'Ultimately, my decisions are based on logic.'

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

Wow. A corner office at last

Invoice for time spent giving warnings

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

'We all have to make sacrifices - mine is having lunch on the workfloor!'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"I missed your last few words. Would you please mumble them again?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."