Corporate Cynic Gifts

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

'Oh, you are such a BABY! Just how bad can a little paper cut be?'

"You don't get an office. You get cargo pants."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

"You mean all those part time, temporary, no-benefits employees quit??? Where's that old fashioned company loyalty?"

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'Earlier you said we are losing ground. Could you be more specific?'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Among my many talents, not shown on my resume, is that I can say 'multivarient transformative interactive analytical heterogenacity in management leadership' three times fast.'

"You can increase your profits 60% by pressuring staff into more unpaid overtime...that will be ?83,000 please."

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

'Crisis? Which crisis?'

Boss has workers on running machines.

"Just as your family means a lot to you, Henderson, power means a lot to me.

'Want anything?'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Crumple this into a little ball, will you?"

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

Performance Review

M. Peabody, V.P. Mind officially closed since 1975.

'Let's see, it says here that you've had a lot of corporate accounting experience...'

"Let's first run it by the boys down in corporate responsibility so that we can find out exactly how much we can get away with."

'Furgis, under our 'profit-sharing' plan, the company will need to dip into your pension fund.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'You were tough to find. Almost gave up until your employees drew me a map.'

"And to comply with government and industry regulations, just initial where it says 'I'm probably a big idiot to be signing this!'"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'We're going through financial hard times. We're going to have to spread the misery around unevenly.'

"Right we're agreed on increasing workloads and cutting resources in addition to selective light off of personnel. . . Next item, staff morale."

'You can stop worrying about job burnout.'

'The salary is not that great - the real money is when they let you go.'

'I have a deep commitment to my job - at least until I can find another one.'

'I think we should consider hiring a consultant to share the blame.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'