Business Cynic Gifts

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

Corporate recycle: plastic/paper/empty promises.

'Dad, is it true what they say about lemmings following each other off a cliff?' 'If they work at a company like mine, it is.'

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

'I don't revere this guy because he founded the company. He's the one who tried to talk me out of getting into this business in the first place.'

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

Falling profit graph on gravestone.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."