Corporate Culture Cynic Gifts

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

"Would you thrive in a hostile work environment?"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

Lethal Presentation

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

Satya Nutella

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"It's o.k., come on out."

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'