Corporate Cynicism Fan Gifts

'When do we get to the backstabbing?'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

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"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"And I suppose you expect me to pick that up?"

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'He insists on being a part of the corporate pipeline.'

"One question, what's a share option?"

'And this will be our strategic plan for the coming year.'