Corporate Cynicism Fan Gifts

'When do we get to the backstabbing?'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

"One question, what's a share option?"

'He insists on being a part of the corporate pipeline.'

'As you know, Wilson, our CEO screwed up big time, so he was fired and gets a big bonus. But because of his mistakes, you just get fired.'