Corporate Irony Fan Gifts

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

"That's Gerald, he was your predecessor as head of strategic planning."

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"I don't know if they do or not. . . I've never opened it."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Water company bonus.

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'