Corporate Satire Fan Gifts

"Oh, what the hell, I'll add another zero."

"That happy little cloud floating over the Unicorp Building? I want that."

"I gotta tell ya, these embezzlement convictions raise a red flag."

'Our customers just aren't getting the message, folks. We need to communicate LOUDER!'

"Personnel have downgraded the new job sec fro 'must be qualified with six years experience' to 'must be alive." "Still seems a lot to ask for the money."

"Would you mind if I saw him first "

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'I lead by example as long as I'm not held legally liable.'

'Basically, we're looking for cost-effective, efficient tried and true ideas that look like bold innovation thinking while not scaring the poop out of everyone.'

'Having reviewed your work, we enthusiastically recommend that you totally disregard the noncompete clause in your contract.'

'How are these secrets getting out? It's almost as if the competition has a fly on the boardroom wall!'

'The environmental impact should be minimal. In any event, we can work around it.'

Gary began to think that his performance management meeting could have gone better.

'Mentor? I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a TORmentor.'

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"Now we'll all close our eyes and cover our ears, and the person who took the four hundred and twenty-eight million dollars will put it back."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'I can assure you we are carrying out cheques at this very moment'.

"Becoming employee of the month has really gone to your head hasn't it, Eric?"

'No no Mr. Peters, you are not being outsourced. You are being virtualised in 'the cloud'.'

'Pay no attention to him. He's just a disgruntled former employee.'

"Could you nip over to accounts and get this signed,it's just through the door on the left and then 4,500 miles to East Delhi..."

"Training has to be a priority...I want you to devise a full implementation programme,as soon as you've finished the cleaning..."

'I'll take your collective silence as agreement. You may now remove your gags and muzzles.'

Suggestion box. We value your input.

"Mr. Smith's office doesn't have a door. You have to batter your way through the wall."

From failure to success

EFFICIENCY EXPERT, 'You should sell thd whole business and go on welfare.'

The World's First Condominium Complex Built on Landfill Created From Shredded Documents

'Conduct dismissal was what I had in mind...but it's just too damned complicated.'

'Who says we vote ourselves a huge pay rise, then spend the rest of the AGM practicing our humble expressions?'

'I don't think the employment tribunal will be altogether happy with the third column.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'I under-achieve because you over-expect.'

"I'll see if he's in, Mr.Tonks - are you a big or small shareholder?"