Corporate Satire Enthusiast Gifts

"I've never understood—what is the difference between morals and ethics?"

"People, the facts are inescapable. Any ideas on how we can ignore them?"

"Performance management...jump!"

"As you can see, we have thought carefully about ways of improving staff productivity in this company."

'And as my chart clearly shows, I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.'

'We reorganized so many times we are now one of our own subsidiaries.'

'I guess you lost me, Hank, at the point where we jump to light speed, travel back in time and undo the stupid merger that's causing all of our current problems!'

'This is quite a scathing memo, Jane. Would you mind elaborating on the 'pervasive herd mentality' you claim our firm is riddled with?'

'Would you please send in one of my 'yes-man' to break this tie?'

'Of course it's ethical! It's just business ethical instead of ethical ethical.'

"Well, that's how 68% of the voting shares feels - does anyone feel differently?"

'The man who manages the man who manages the man who manages the man who manages the worker.'

'I agree, let's increase the dividend instead.'

Shareholders Meeting - "That is a very good question - next question, please."

Imagine how much work we could get done if we weren't always sitting around talking about how much work we could get done.

Captain of ship, surrounded by rough drafts and scrunched-up pieces of paper, says: 'Dammit bosun, we can't set sail without a coherent mission statement.'

'Once again you have exceeded my expectations.'

'Five Yeas and I say no... The 'I's have it.'

'Groupthink isn't working. Lets go to plan B - finding any deviants whom we can fire as scapegoats!'

"You know, maybe he's not the small-business man he claims to be."

"Let's talk more about your valuation policy."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'That, sir - that dismissive little hand wave? It's way too Enron.'

'Let's see now, who can we blame this one on?'

'If you wish to be put on hold, press one...'

'Our new range of products won't make out customers thin, but they will make our wallets fat!'

"Watch yourself - he's feeling especially defensive today."

Stingy boss won't give an employee a pay rise after 6 years.

"I want that report on bullying and I want it now!"

'Sorry, Morgan, I can't give you a raise. I'm suffering from compassion fatigue.'

'This will give you an overview of our branch offices.'

'It's not all bad. We still have enough cash for bribing the prison guards.'

'I think our filing system is a little too obvious.'

Accountant Juggler

"Your purchasing agent is expecting me. I invited him to have lunch today."