Corporate Satire Lover Gifts

"I'm sick and tired of 'Generally Accepted Accounting Principles'."

"And if you do any work, put it here."

'We've considered every potential risk except the risks of avoiding all risks.'

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

'At this juncture in my presentation, I'd like to dispense with the illusion of coherence.'

"...how would you rate me on a scale of nine to ten?"

"Nobody knows anything."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

'I wanted you in a position where I felt you could grow.'

"You're fired. Pass it on."

'Acquitted. Acquitted. Acquitted. Very impressive.'

The Team

Now, let's remove the blindfold and have a look around your new work space: Bad news, delivered badly.

'This call may be monitored for training purposes or just to keep our staff amused.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

Quality Contorl.

'Ms. Smith, I have a meeting in ten minutes and I can't find my hidden agenda.'

'Bob, according to our company's management policy, you're just about due for a compliment.'

'My particular skill set is mismanaging risk. There seems to be a plethora of people with that skill set.'

To Err Is Human: To Forgive is Against Company Policy.

'There's been a big bank merger, sir, so you now have a joint checking account with a Mr. Slavomir Bezparyadok of Zagreb.'

'Perhaps, Mr. Hartwelder, you could arrange to have the company pay me in cash rather than stock options.'

'Your performance rating is terrible, Fenwick, but I like your looks.'

'This is the department of staying ahead of the curve...you want the bureau of thinking outside the box.'

'I know we said you could have a laptop, but this will have to do until business improves!'

'Well, the boss did say we would be given a forum.'

'I agree that you deserve some recognition. Who are you?'

The team had decided that strict sanctions should be imposed upon users of terms like 'target orientated'.

"My report is on money."

'Due to corporate cutbacks, we'll all have to sacrifice, which is why my company car will be a Mercedes, instead of the Jaguar I normally drive.'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'Takeover is such a harsh word, Harris, let's just say that your people are now my people.'

'I recommend this to get rid of that stupid little voice whispering 'Don't forget to act ethical and responsible'!

'A 'take charge' guy would be nice but I'm looking for more of the 'take blame' type.'

'I'm not authorized to talk about that...I'll have to patch you through to our department of unspeakable evil.'