Corporate Satire Enjoyers Gifts

"The best part is, I get to write it off as a business expense."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

'Due to cutbacks, he lost his company vehicle, so he has to improvise.'

"I suggest we start with the low hanging fruit."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"It lost a little something in translation."

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

Water company bonus.

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'