Management Irony Fan Gifts

'We're streamlining efficiency by cutting the staff we employed to improve efficiency.'

"With so many employees, it's hard for me to remember their names. That's why I always carry a bar code reader."

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

Water company bonus.

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Missing a call is no excuse for eating your assistant."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

I kicked him upstairs to Diaz, Diaz kicked him over to Fennelson, and Fennelson evidently kicked him out the window.

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

"John and Sidney work in human relations."

"I don't know if they do or not. . . I've never opened it."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

"There goes the person that proved the Peter principal faster than anyone in history."

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"Who the hell is responsible for this no-blame culture???"

"The boss said this meeting's about taking us back to our origins!"

"Wait a minute! I don’t ignore the concerns of my employees! I listen to them, I discuss with them... and then I ignore them."

'This breed can smell incompetence.'

"I'm looking for someone who's qualified to cover my mistakes."

"As my CV says, my approach to project management is of course "the carrot or the stick"..."

VEGETATE.

"Big surprise. That cost/benefit analysis cost up more than any benefit we've ever gotten from it."

'The union card does it every time.'

"Management think staff need to use their initiative more, and they forwarded a 65 page memo on how they want you to do it."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

'According to these numbers, our profit will be peanuts!'

"Not a parrot, Holbrook, but a compact P.A. wih a whole lot of appreciate for what I do for this country."

"Blitzak, this is not your cubicle."

'Willowby, you have great leadership potential. That's why I'm getting rid of you now.'

"Cut a few thousand jobs here, boss, a few thousand jobs there, and they start to add up."

'He's worried that the 20% that changes is the only 20% he knows!'

"You're late."

Boss not listening, "I hear what your saying."