Management Satire Fan Gifts

"Big surprise. That cost/benefit analysis cost up more than any benefit we've ever gotten from it."

"You're late."

'Profits are down, foreign competition is up, and someone's sticking gum under the chairs!'

'The union card does it every time.'

"I've tried both, but I think I've had the most success delegating hunting."

"Building a team requires a number of core skills...One of the most important is imagination. So for this first exercise I'd like you to imagine that you actually have a team!"

Manager, upon giving instructions to his customer service team and listening to their inane questions, wonders why he didn't just hire his own kids.

"Talk about push, intrusive management! Yesterday the boss asked me what I actually do here!"

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'According to these numbers, our profit will be peanuts!'

"Blitzak, this is not your cubicle."

"Missing a call is no excuse for eating your assistant."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

"The boss said this meeting's about taking us back to our origins!"

"Isn't, 'buzzword' a buzzword?"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."