Management Satire Gifts

'Miss Jenkins, get me a smaller desk or a larger office.'

'Well, Johnston. Your twenty five year probationary period with this company is up. And I'm afraid you're just not what we're looking for.'

'We've come to expect the drum beat of bad news, but are the cymbals really necessary?'

"Miss Smith, have Ernesto and Florence come back from lunch yet?"

'The boss has a distinct way of chewing you out.'

"You're about one-tenth as good as me. And I mean that as a compliment."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'But this is what you demanded; a corner office with Windows.'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

"Missing a call is no excuse for eating your assistant."

I kicked him upstairs to Diaz, Diaz kicked him over to Fennelson, and Fennelson evidently kicked him out the window.

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

Death Boss

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

Boardroom cream pies.

"You bring up an important concern, but I'm looking for a problem that better fits my preconceived solution."

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'