Managerial Satirist Gifts

'If I had a few minutes, Caldwell, do you think I'd give them to you?'

'First off I'd like to address the rumor that I'm not running things around here.'

"I like Simpson."

"From Baldo: hey, I wanted to ask, don't u think joeys a terrble asst managr?"

'Sounds like Chuck's over-delegating again.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"