Satirical Manager Gifts

What's wrong with the computer you've got?"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Under new blame.

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

'He likes a room where he can reverberate.'

Coronavirus Windmills

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

I kicked him upstairs to Diaz, Diaz kicked him over to Fennelson, and Fennelson evidently kicked him out the window.

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

"Missing a call is no excuse for eating your assistant."

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

"You bring up an important concern, but I'm looking for a problem that better fits my preconceived solution."

'I'll place the bets. You just be sure to hit the hare with the tranquilizer.'

'It's true. There was a coup.'

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

'Look at him with another business model on his arm.'