Satirical Executive Gifts

"We're making progress."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

Born In Captivity.

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

Man running in a hamster wheel

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'