Satirical Executive Humor Gifts

A businessman sits behinds a desk with a nameplate that reads "Charles F. Baxter - Previously frozen".

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I delegate, then I follow up.'

Executive golf with Newton's cradle

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

'Here you are, Simmons!'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

'Kroogshank, why do I think that you try to hide from responsibility?'

"2 for 1 special: Clean, polish, buff, seal"

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

'Any chance of doubling my salary?'

'When I say jump, Hayes, I don't want you to just ask 'How high?' ... I want you to show me!'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

'Our company needs a tougher image. So from here on out we'll answer the phone with the greeting, 'what the hell do you want?!'

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

That's the chairman's office.

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'No hostile takeover bids beyond this point.'

"This new policy of resisting change is certainly innovative."

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

"We're making progress."