Executive Satire Fan Gifts

"For God's sake, if you're going to take the fall for me, do it like a man."

'Apparently Genwetronix merged with BioSolutions, and neither chairman wanted to leave.'

'We are here to pay our last respects to a beloved CEO and the two vice presidents he decided to take with him.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"He'll do anything to say in power."

Non-Power Breakfast

Water company bonus.

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"And I suppose you expect me to pick that up?"

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"It's a swearbox."

Scapegoat of the Year

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'