Executive Satire Fan Gifts

"For God's sake, if you're going to take the fall for me, do it like a man."

'Apparently Genwetronix merged with BioSolutions, and neither chairman wanted to leave.'

'We are here to pay our last respects to a beloved CEO and the two vice presidents he decided to take with him.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

Water company bonus.

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

Scapegoat of the Year

"It's a swearbox."

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'