Executive Irony Fan Gifts

Water company bonus.

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

"John and Sidney work in human relations."

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"I don't know if they do or not. . . I've never opened it."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'No hostile takeover bids beyond this point.'

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

"This new policy of resisting change is certainly innovative."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"Wait a minute! I don’t ignore the concerns of my employees! I listen to them, I discuss with them... and then I ignore them."

"We're making progress."

'We're streamlining efficiency by cutting the staff we employed to improve efficiency.'

I Have A Closed Mind.

The Continuing Adventures of Mel Hufnagel, Corporate Head-Hunter...

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

"Management think staff need to use their initiative more, and they forwarded a 65 page memo on how they want you to do it."

'Willowby, you have great leadership potential. That's why I'm getting rid of you now.'

"Cut a few thousand jobs here, boss, a few thousand jobs there, and they start to add up."

'Surround our project with lots of useless extras so our critics have something to pick at while we ram our proposals through.'

Boss not listening, "I hear what your saying."

"That efficiency expert you hired said I should get rid of you."

"Make yourself comfortable, Donaldson."

'Just when I thought I had weeded out all of the deadwoodl, Weber...I spotted you!'

"Catherine, Is there anything I need to be thinking about?"

"Mr. Kendall would like to see one of those flashes of oddball humor."

"Gentlemen, when I consider the mess we've made of this company, I can only commend our foresight in not investing any of our own money in it."

'We all have to cut back - I'm giving up the pleasure of giving you a bonus.'

"I consider myself a responsible worker."

"That's Gerald, he was your predecessor as head of strategic planning."

"Today was Take Your Child To Work Day. I did and they replaced me with my child."

"They say you can't cheat an honest man. I say 'Bull'!"