Satirical Ceo Gifts

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

What's wrong with the computer you've got?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"