Company Satirist Gifts

"He'll be a hard man to replace. Nobody knows what he does."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Sign - Halt manager crossing