Corporate Culture Satirists Gifts

"People of Earth – can everyone see my screen?"

'This is Thompson, he'll be getting your tea department online and working on it's global brand.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

Born In Captivity.

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.