Corporate Satirists Gifts

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'As you both know, here at Frump, Cuttle and Howsen, failure is not an option, so that only leaves blame.'

"OK, how about 'proactively striving for excellence in da rackets game?"

It turns out people aren't buying our product because it's stupid.

Shareholder's Meetings

'Rumours over the company being insolvent are exaggerated.'

'I never need conflict management as long as I keep hiring yes-people.'

'Sometimes I like to stand here and think about the early days when I built this company on a foundation of honesty, loyalty, and fair play. It's not true, of course, but I sure like to think it.'

CEO Bonus - 'Those in favor of my exhorbitant bonus say 'aye'. Those opposed say, 'Good heavens, I've been shot!'

"I can't take all the credit, but I did help drive this company into the ground."

"Pamela, cancel my lunch with Cosgrove, set up a meeting with legal, bring me the Hutson file, then go out and smell some roses for me."

Job Interview, "This company wants a person who is both ruthless and intelligent but who is also too dumb to want to try for my job."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Maybe we can turn it around...I mean the chart, not the business."

Merchant Bankers - Patience is a virtue, anyone displaying it will be dismissed

"Members of the board, my indecision is final."

'Well, my company can offer the best prices because we've got the lowest personnel expenses!'

' I hope you're not trying to suggest that I don't pay you enough Foster ! '

"I'm leaving to join a new cult"

On reflection I think I could have coped with just 340 degree feedback.

"It's good to be able to recognize everyone."

'Surround our project with lots of useless extras so our critics have something to pick at while we ram our proposals through.'

"You'll be offered a generous severance package and, given your questionable business practices, enrollment in our corporate witness protection program."

'You're a great employee Phillips,,But I'm afraid a raise is out of the question,,Money is tight around here,,'

The Last Place on Earth

'Lucy, you'll be taking the blame for a vice president while she's on vacation.'

"Had another of those lectures from HR about 'So-called' diversity."

"I try to tell myself doing a good job matters but honestly, they're damned if I do and damned if I don't."

"I'm confident we'll need another round of redundancies before the end of the year."

Early Consultants

"I've decided the most honorable course of action is for me to take the blame...and pin it on Gordon."

"Safety has been a problem, but it's worth the money we save by eliminating company cars."

"It really breaks my heart having to let all these good people go. Luckily my brother is a heart surgeon."

"Hi Donna. I wanted to let you know that your husband's career ended peacefully with Mr. Glendale at his side."

"I preferred it when you micromanaged more openly."