Company Satirist Pillows

"He'll be a hard man to replace. Nobody knows what he does."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."