Business Satirist Gifts

'If we do applaud transparency, will anyone see it?'

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

'Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.'

'Do everything ethically ... within reason, of course.'

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

'I used to lead by example, but it was too much work.'

'I'd like you to hammer out a win-win agreement in which they lose.'

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'You really have no idea what you're doing do you?'

'Sure it's a partnership, Elwood, but it's a limited partnership, and you're the one who's limited.'

'Everything is negotiable, including my integrity.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

'And in conclusion, perhaps a change of business model is in order.'

'This is where the bribes kicked in.'

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

Modern management?

'Yes, long term strategy needs fresh crayons.'

'Before you leave, we have to do a brain scan to see if you're taking any intellectual property with you.'

'Our lawyer insists on it as part of our due diligence provision.'

'Gentlemen, we need new blood!'

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'Let's break for lunch. I'll order pizza.'

'It's a win-win, but a win-win-win would be better.'

'I don't care if you are the CEO of a large oil company, you can't claim your soul as a business loss.'

'You're right, the numbers don't lie. That's your job.'

'That's it agreed then - the company's new motto is going to be 'We didn't do anything illegal'.'

"It's the new management structure, the worker's the one at the bottom."

"I'm taking you off of the Henderson account and putting you into this steel drum."

"The salary is unimportant—I'll just siphon off what I need."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Serious analysis and market research hasn't worked. Let's go back to gossip, tea leaf reading and guesswork."

'To slash costs, I suggest that we hire third-world labour, and limit management bonuses to six figures.'