Business Satire Enthusiast Gifts

'If it's any consolation, our lack of business innovation will be the subject of analysis in some of the finest M.B.A. programs in the country.'

'....it's all right here in the corporate training manual.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

"I don't like these sales figures. Prepare them in another color and font and resubmit them."

'Most of our customer retention is through inertia.'

'I'm resigning due to fiscal mismanagement...so my last act as CEO is to give myself a big severance package.'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Shift our strategy? I didn't know we had any strategy.'

'This time, put it someplace where we can find it.'

'For every consultant there's an equal and opposite consultant.'

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'You need a marketing strategy!'

'After our last vote one executive pay raises, the shareholders want us back on short leashes.'

'I move that we give ourselves a big bonus before the money is all gone.'

'Who's that pathetic little one down there?'

'Exactly how much are we saving by making our own rubber bands?'

New weight and fortune machine costing 5C installed next to fortune teller advertising services for $10.

"We have a wonderful research department and they've identified you as a potentially hot prospect."

Bloato Corporation: The Soft Underbelly of Outdated Corporate Thinking for Over Fifty Years.

"What would a competent person do?"

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

'80 of our business conduct is immoral or illegal. I want you to fix the remaining 20.'

"We were thinking about putting in an ESOP...but then we decided to just give employees lollipops."

"You called this strategy session for THAT?"

'What the hell!..Let's issue a profit warning anyway.'

'Before we start, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'I didn't get my 'Hail, Caesar' from you this morning.'

'I worry about our new hire when his previous employer paid for his moving expenses AND is paying half of his salary.'

"Why do we call them 'interns'?"

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'Exploiting the workers hasn't helped...so we'll have to start screwing them.'

Now that I finally have an expense account, there's no time to eat.

Use A-Rod's excuse. Ignorance!

'But what if my job doesn't want to go to China?'