Business Satire Lover Gifts

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

"We can't say 'new and improved' until we come up with a product."

Lethal Presentation

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'Did you make any sales?' 'I got two orders: 'get out' and 'stay out!''

PowerPointless Presentation

"I've been hearing some disturbing comments about you, Parker, some of your employees think you're a nice guy!"

'Or to put it in marketing terms, you want more whizbang, we'll need more gizmos.'

"Our new insourcing policy means you'll be doing all the work."

"Ah - there you are, Grimes. How goes the customer satisfaction survey?"

'I am stunned by the sophistication of our consumer research.'

"None of our meetings have ever actually solved any problems, but having a lot of them scheduled in our diaries helps make us feel important!"

Another promising young entrepreneur snuffed out by Big Lemonade

Beggar won't accept stock options.

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

Business Failure No.358.

"And here's where Mr. Kimbel, the company accountant, went on his extended holiday to Brazil."

'Hold on ? I have a followup question for you to evade.'

'The SEC ate my report.'

"This merger is to give us a better grip on our respective markets."

"All those in favour of voting ourselves 3 year rolling contracts before we go into liquidation"

'And a final 'Thank-you' to our guest speaker! Hey, you sure helped us see our business problems in a different light...'

'This promotion means you'll be getting the blame directly from me.'

"Now this is our standard company contract - I want you to stick in a couple of loopholes."

Men in office, "Congratulations Mr Smith as soon as I saw you I knew you were the right man for the job."

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

An hour's free consultation...

'Do you realize what ethics has cost us this year.'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'It's okay if don't want to give us control of your company. We're perfectly capable of living with incredible disappointment.'

"Good news - our share price jumped 12pts on the rumour that you were retiring."

Former Fortune 500 Corporate Executive Until My Salary Became Linked to My Performance

"This may be a problem."

"Well so much for our policy of putting the customer second!"

'I reviewed the figures. The consultant saved us a bundle but cost us a larger bundle.'