Business Satire Lover Pillows

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

"We can't say 'new and improved' until we come up with a product."

Lethal Presentation

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'Did you make any sales?' 'I got two orders: 'get out' and 'stay out!''

PowerPointless Presentation

"I've been hearing some disturbing comments about you, Parker, some of your employees think you're a nice guy!"

'Or to put it in marketing terms, you want more whizbang, we'll need more gizmos.'

"Our new insourcing policy means you'll be doing all the work."

"Ah - there you are, Grimes. How goes the customer satisfaction survey?"

"None of our meetings have ever actually solved any problems, but having a lot of them scheduled in our diaries helps make us feel important!"

Another promising young entrepreneur snuffed out by Big Lemonade

'I am stunned by the sophistication of our consumer research.'

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

Business Failure No.358.

Beggar won't accept stock options.

"All those in favour of voting ourselves 3 year rolling contracts before we go into liquidation"

"And here's where Mr. Kimbel, the company accountant, went on his extended holiday to Brazil."

'The SEC ate my report.'

"This merger is to give us a better grip on our respective markets."

'Hold on ? I have a followup question for you to evade.'

An hour's free consultation...

"Now this is our standard company contract - I want you to stick in a couple of loopholes."

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'And a final 'Thank-you' to our guest speaker! Hey, you sure helped us see our business problems in a different light...'

'Do you realize what ethics has cost us this year.'

'This promotion means you'll be getting the blame directly from me.'

Men in office, "Congratulations Mr Smith as soon as I saw you I knew you were the right man for the job."

"Good news - our share price jumped 12pts on the rumour that you were retiring."

'My power tie and power suit got caught in a power struggle.'

"So what is the true need for this project?"

Boring meeting

"Well so much for our policy of putting the customer second!"

'It's okay if don't want to give us control of your company. We're perfectly capable of living with incredible disappointment.'