Business Satire Aficionado Gifts

'Thanks to our exensive cost-cutting efforts, we managed to turn a profit.'

You're not going to get your way, Norton, and I don't care if you are an only child.

"I was hoping for a more positive mission statement."

"Quicksand in a modern office building? Don't be silly."

"You've been with us a long time, Winnie, and we're prepared to offer you a generous severance package."

Anti-Personnel Department

"It's Bad, we've reached the point where we can no longer afford an arsonist."

"Just give us the numbers... and don't sugar-coat it."

"I may need you to take the fall for the Swanson mess. So, goeth with pride."

'I'll have my people call your people. Wait a minute, that won't work. I'm a sole proprietor.'

'Congratulations, gentlemen! Sales have held steady for another quarter.'

'G'morning, I'm the small business advisor.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"We have an acronym!"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"