Business Satire Aficionado Gifts

'Thanks to our exensive cost-cutting efforts, we managed to turn a profit.'

You're not going to get your way, Norton, and I don't care if you are an only child.

"I was hoping for a more positive mission statement."

"Quicksand in a modern office building? Don't be silly."

"You've been with us a long time, Winnie, and we're prepared to offer you a generous severance package."

Anti-Personnel Department

"It's Bad, we've reached the point where we can no longer afford an arsonist."

"Just give us the numbers... and don't sugar-coat it."

"I may need you to take the fall for the Swanson mess. So, goeth with pride."

Rudy, you're good with kids. Sit down, I need your advice. Sure thing, boss. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. If a girl scout asked me if she could set up a cookie stand outside the caf

Boss … there was a $25,000 "Christmas bonus" in my check this year. I just want to thank you. I was totally wrong about you, you're a great man. Don't mention it. You've been my trusted right-hand stooge for almost 16 years now. This is my little way of saying ... you are ordered to spend every last cent of it downloading poetry and widget diagrams from Poetry-and-Widgets.com. This wouldn't be some sort of money laundering scheme, would it? Don't be absurd. Money can never be dirty.

'I'll have my people call your people. Wait a minute, that won't work. I'm a sole proprietor.'

'Congratulations, gentlemen! Sales have held steady for another quarter.'

'G'morning, I'm the small business advisor.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"We have an acronym!"