Satirical Business Enthusiast Gifts

"I asked you for ideas on how we can streamline the workforce Penswick. I hope for your sake this isn't one of them."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Spot the difference.

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"We have an acronym!"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."