Business Satire Lovers Gifts

'Any questions?'

'According to Legal, just THINKING about this project is an infringement of someone's copyright!'

'Forty billion is a generous offer for our company, but we'd feel a lot better about it, if you didn't plan on financing it by putting it on your Visa.'

"It's for you."

Quality Financial Advisors - Out of Business

'So, how's our company doing?'

"War is a rather radical business plan, don't you think?"

'Having demonstrated his total lack of leadership skills, Netherby is leaving to head up a federal agency.'

Banker about to roll out the red carpet for 'Small businesses'.

'Last year we lost thousands, this year we'll lose millions.'

'Have you noticed? There are more and more pussies in the rat race!'

"I'm going to hire you because of liability issues. Your ability to lia about issues is off the charts."

"It evolved from 'Greed is good'."

"The government has handed our industry a lifeline. They've instituted a needle exchange."

"The blaze has taken hold on the eight floor Chief. The C.E.O., V.P. and C.O.O. are trapped in the boardroom!!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"We have an acronym!"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'