Business Culture Satirist Gifts

'We tried a new marketing strategy, a new sales concept and a new business policy. It all failed. We have one more chance to succeed. Do the words 'Incas' and 'Human Sacrifice' ring a bell?'

'What a coincidence. I started in the mail room too!'

'I was like you once Pearson. Efficient, forward leaning and with a clear strategic vision. Then I made senior management.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"We have an acronym!"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

Parade of Businessmen

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

"We're all just a number here, Finch, and fortunately my number is one."

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'