Office Culture Satirist Gifts

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Call 911. Tell them we've got... well, in tech terms, I suppose it's called a cascading failure.'

'Office of P.G.Barley and Clones'

"Congratulations Dave, after a through vetting process, we've selected you for the promotion."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

In and Out Tray

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

National Boss Monument.

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"