Workplace Satirist Gifts

Urine Catcher

'Mr Frimley, sir, can I have a word about the motivational artwork...'

'You do as you're told, we pay as we please...That, in a nutshell, is our corporate culture.'

The plan to increase productivity by canceling coffee breaks flopped.

'Oh, you'll love working here. Nobody treats you any differently just becuase of your age, race, or gender.'

Performance Management: "Jump!"

'Excellent proposal. Let's take it upstairs and see if it flies.'

Management Speak - reading between the lines: "This new role would involve some extra responsibilities." "He wants me too work twice as hard."

'You win some, you lose some. Don't worry about it. No one's keeping score.'

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

Employee performance review software.

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

"It's the new management structure, the worker's the one at the bottom..."

'It's probably not a good sign to be listed in the organization chart underneath the office plants.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'They don't really encourage feedback around here, do they?'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

"I'm a big, big problem. Aren't I?"

"He didn't catch me. I thought this exercise was to build trust."

"I know we said we'd get you a laptop,but this will have to do until business improves."

'The good news is that we've created six new jobs...and the better news is that they're all yours.'

He replied all.

'Resourceful means you can get the job done without any resources.'

"What's his name?"

Management: The illusion of control. Middle Management: The illusion of Usefulness. Wage Earners: The Illusion of Being Appreciated.

'In all fairness, you did ask for feedback.'

'Sometimes, instead of trying to fix a problem, it's easier to hire a scapegoat.'

'Okay - let's take this bold initiative and whittle it down to something we can all ignore.'

'I'll be conducting the final phase of your job interview I've heard a lot of good things about you!' ('Must maintain eye contact..')

'I don't have voice mail or email. . . I'm not accountable for anything.'

Don't worry, Bob. There are some jobs a robot just can't do...like kissing ass.

"We need someone specializing in interpersonal communication. I'll text my decision."

'We need to make some changes. Change something that changes nothing.'

To prevent human error, the power station only employed trained seals.