Office Satirist Gifts

"Well, if doodling all day is busy, I was busy."

"It's a full-blown empathy attack!. . . help me sneak him out of here before this thing spreads through the entire company!"

"Are you sure this is the correct way to declassify documents?"

'Who's the designated leaker?'

'This really is an innovative approach, but I'm afraid we can't consider it. It's never been done before.'

'Your proposal is innovative, Unfortunately we won't be able to use it because we've never tried something like this before,'

'To address this mistake we must use root-cause analysis. I'll begin by saying it's not my fault.'

Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?

'For some strange reason personnel want us to review our equal opportunities employment policies!'

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

'This committee will have two functions - to execute my plans and to accept responsibility if they fail.'

"I think I should warn you that the flip side of our generous bonus-incentive program is capital punishment."

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

CEO decides to enroll the board in an apology workshop.

"The consultants we brought in to monitor the consultants who are looking into our cutting back on consultants are recommending specialist consultants."

'As you know, George, we female C.E.O.'s use a collaborative management style. With that in mind, how would you prefer to be fired?'

'You may be the best man for the job, but I have a dozen women who are better qualified.'

'And this is our strategic planning department...'

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

"I attend meetings therefore I am."

"You'll find it on page 46, paragraph 23, clause 18 of your contract under 'any other business'"

Performance Management.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'Well, how do you handle it when a messenger shows up bearing bad news?'

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Since we downsized the board of directors profits are up 300 percent.'

'The contract is very clear. You're free to go once the project's completed.'

'To enable them to provide the service we require the procurement team have submitted a request for seven wands, a crystal ball and a time machine...'

The worker/the man who monitors the worker/the man who wrote the draft policy guidelines on how to monitor the man monitoring the worker.

"I hope this makes it clearer?"

Man in office reading dictionary, "Ethical, ..Hmm doesn't seem to be in here."

"I'll be in touch if we need somebody with integrity"

"Sexual harassment forms are on the top shelf."

'You are this week's top person on the team pyramid.'

"Congratulations! You are now in charge of taking all the blame in case of this company's failure!"