Office Satirists Gifts

The Department of Lessons Learned...

"He hasn't finished his 'communicating with staff in a sensitive and empathic manner' module yet."

"What are they complaining about...the work is challenging,interesting, demanding..." "AND we let them do it for 80 hours a week"

"You're in luck. We have an opening for low man on the totem pole."

'And that concludes our sensitivity training, any questions? Yes? That fat, big-nosed gentleman in the back?'

"The following is a test of the fire-alarm system. It is only a test. Please ignore the intense heat and combustion."

'I got the habit while fitting in with the old boys club.'

'The government is telling us to get rid of 43% of meaningless targets within the next 6 months!'

We should promote many of our staff to management positions...

"It's an internship - crime doesn't pay."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'I told you the corporate thinking was set in stone.'

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

"On my right is Mr. Darius, who'll fill you in on our corporate counterculture."

"We don't kiss butt around here, but we sure bootlick the bottom line."

'Before we start, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'What's this filed under 'g'?'

'OK, you've got good listening skills. There's no need to elaborate.'

'What was that 'something or other' about not being a good listener?'

"Most people are nice...if we have any of those, fire them."

Male & Female separate company buildings

"Looks like you're quite the wheeler and dealer... unfortunately we're only hiring movers and shakers."

"The subject of this never ending meeting was how to keep meetings short..."

"It's a new year, a NEW start!. . . We must put aside our sexist misogynistic past. . ."

"No, he doesn't have an appointment, but he mentioned something about a hard stop at 4:10."

"Yes, there are prospects for promotion in this company. But only if you're intelligent and hard working... Or related to one of the directors."

Desk boxes: tomorrow, next week, never.

'First things first. Before we nail a solution, we have to pin a little blame.'

Communicating with clients without using buzzwords posed a challenge for the consultants.

Of course the teasts are complete nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them must be highly motivated...

DOH staff rquired to get sick notes after just one day!

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

Painting of the wall

"I've finished the health and safety check. The office pencil has been blunted and locked in the safe and I've dampened the stationery to avoid paper cuts."

"We're not a union shop. You can't have health & dental benefits, plus a drug plan, and a salary too!"