Office Satire Enthusiasts Gifts

The Contract Culture: 'Jump.'

Personnel,' Possible candidates'-'That'll be the day'.

National basketball association - suggestion box high up wall.

'Halberstam became 'Employee of the Year' because he died behind his desk instead of calling in sick. What a bloody swot!'

No, you may not make a resignation speech.

"You're in luck, we do have an opening at the moment for someone with limited skills and a tragic lack of motivation and initiative."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"