Office Satire Aficionado Gifts

'Honesty is the best policy, but surely we can do a lot better than that.'

"Apropos your request for a salary increase, we're going to have you appraised."

Congratulations on winning the Inland Revenue Fiction Award.

"Jumped over moon. Impressive."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"And where have you previously moused?"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"