Office Satire Aficionado Gifts

'Honesty is the best policy, but surely we can do a lot better than that.'

"Apropos your request for a salary increase, we're going to have you appraised."

Congratulations on winning the Inland Revenue Fiction Award.

"Jumped over moon. Impressive."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"And where have you previously moused?"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"I can't decide who gets the promotion, so we'll settle it with a rope toy Tug O' War."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."