Office Satire Enthusiast Gifts

"I hope this makes it clearer!"

'I've called this meeting because it's a big ego trip having the authority to call you all together whenever I want to.'

'I'm afraid you're not working out as our risk manager.'

Businessmen presented with the Ten Commandments: 'We'll think about it.'

Thanks, I'd like to accept the job, but what is the salary? Sorry, it's against company policy to disclose that!

'Sorry, Benson, but I automatically fire anyone who complains that I'm too autocratic.'

'It's damage control. Until we get this sorted out I'd rather you didn't do or say anything to make matters worse.'

"Of course there are still a few loose ends, funding...pensions...workload, but the good news is that we have got a concrete proposal for the new PCO letterheads!"

"We're getting rid of some old equipment."

'This is our manager. He prides himself on being very much hands off.'

"You're eminently qualified for the job, but our diversity policy calls for a yes-woman in this position,"

'Good news!...I've set up a generous profit sharing plan for all of you.'

'I'm pleased to announce the newly-created 'Office of Homepage Security' - to protect against computer hackers.'

'Miss Caldwell, call security and send in the kleptomaniac.'

'The boss is keeping his eye on you-and he's not the only one,Miss Thomson!'

"Do you want that under 'any other business'?"

'You've reached Human Resources automated phone service...'

"Of course we can do an employee survey for you. For €10,950 you can get a 104% approval rating for your policies. Oh and we are doing a special offer, a 90% approval rating for €9500!"

"Let's kick off this Human Resource action with a game of Musical Chairs."

"Dave's decided to work from home today."

"Thanks boss! Put it in that pile!"

Sexism in the workplace.

"We appreciate the good job you're doing, but can you do it more thanklessly?"

Two employees find head in watercooler. One says to other:' I guess the company isn't going to send out memos anymore!'

"Would you pretend to be my people when we meet Hartnett's people?"

'Mr. Handley here makes all the final hiring decisions.'

"Oh, oh! There goes our Christmas bonus."

'To receive an application form, you have to fill out this application form.'

'Yeah, you fired him last week. He's waiting for your conscience to kick in.'

Immigration desk with only in trays.

If you're concerned about the amount of paperwork you have to do then fill out a C-435d complaints about paperwork form and I'll have a look at it!

'I can't lie to you, but I'll get someone who will.'

"This business is completely customer focused, and we have the paperwork to prove it!"

'You remind me a lot of my son, Pemberton...a lazy, worthless, no good illegitimate bastard.'

'You remind me of myself at your age, Ferguson, so I want you to stay away from my secretary!'