Office Life Satirist Gifts

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

"It's all about teamwork. We even have our own mascot."

'For Pete's sake, can't you just tell me instead of emailing me?'

A cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. Or a weak arm.

"HR tells us that we're getting a bad press about how many women the firm employs...we need to act now...does anyone need a new secretary?"

'Haffner, what's this I hear that you're a whistleblower?'

"Workers just aren't loyal anymore, so in anticipation of that, I'm letting you go before I hire you."

"We finally heard a response to the sales proposal...Sir?"

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'It was a bad day at the office, I got the sack so I decided to burn the building down killing everyone, and now I'm being charged with arson and 73 counts of murder.'

Ace Doughnut Co.

Commuters.

'You are a credit to the human race, Yardis. Unfortunately, you're a liability to this firm.'

'I'm not using my last sick day. I'm calling in to say I'm feeling icky.'

Cull people who want you to give 110%

"A little hard work never killed anyone. But still, why tempt fate?"

"He's charged with expressing contempt for data-processing."

'Of course, after the restructure, you'll still be doing all the work, while I continue to take all the credit.'

Don't ring us and we won't ring you.

'When will he be able to go back and start terrorizing his office staff again?'

'Alright, I'll okay a personal day.'

STRIP Hambone: Computer smoke signals message from Indian office

'Man, this elevator goes on forever...'

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

"Working from home again, Jerry?"

'I hope you don't want to leave a message - he hates messages.'

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'