Office Life Satire Gifts

"Don't exhale while you're in there - he has a thing about germs."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Do you think we should look again at who we invite to these meetings?"