Workplace Satirists Gifts

Inspired by reality shows, sensitive managers will "vote off" employees

"May I focus my customer frustration on you with the understanding you're powerless and it's nothing personal?"

"It's challenging coming back in after working from home."

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed,nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into the Portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale."

'A word in my office Jones.'

"It has snooze control. Ideal for those long board meetings."

"Laid off! I knew I shouldn't have chosen to be a gathering!"

"Nothing personal, I just wanted to see if I still had it."

"Hard work got me to where I am today and yours will help ensure I stay there."

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

Sykes works in our accounts clearing department...

Jenkins, as you might have heard, asked for a raise.

Reception - The slimy no-good, double crossing b****** you wish to see - is that senior or junior?

'We don't pay a salary. We've found we can get all the help we need by providing health insurance.'

'Staff are always complaining about conditions, we need to make them see how well they actually do in comparison to workers in other areas.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'