Workplace Satire Gifts

'Before you leave, we have to do a brain scan to see if you're taking any intellectual property with you.'

Pointless bureacracy/memos/policies and protocols.

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'I'm getting my resignation papers ready.'

Office worker on phone: 'If you could just email me the faxes of the photocopies of the transcripts of the fifteen phone messages in question, that would probably be the simplest.'

Boss has workers on running machines.

'Bad news, I'm afraid. I've been sacked, all bar an investigatory hearing, written notice of a disciplinary hearing, a latter appeal and possible tribunal.'

'Quick, hand me the timesheet!'

"We've decided to build a little cubicle around you and your desk, Harris."

'Sometimes I think this is the best part of my day.'

"Of course if you weren't PREPARED to do any unpaid OVERTIME to HELP the company then of course your lack of MOTIVATION and AMBITION wouldn't affect your career prospects...That wouldn't be fair of us WOULD IT?"

'This is the questionnaire we need everyone to fill out about their views on excessive bureaucracy.'

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

Boss not listening, "I hear what your saying."

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

'I've been going over your performance review and to tell you the truth, I'm not very happy with these swimsuit scores.'

New office equipment will greatly increase your productivity. This won't go unnoticed by higher-ups!

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"It's more efficient for us if you fax the document. Then we lost it immediately rather than wait for the mail."

'The budget doesn't allow for a Christmas party . . . . .'

'I see old Kendrew got promoted.'

'Fair enough… and what about your long-term goals?'

Inspired by reality shows, sensitive managers will "vote off" employees

'Before you jump, we'd just like to present you with this leaving card.'

'But this is what you demanded; a corner office with Windows.'

'Such a small bonus.'

'You have hair. I cannot promote you.'

"You'll be discriminating against employees who just laze around."

Hotchkiss, Hotchkiss, and you guessed it, Hotchkiss...'

'Woodruff, find out everything you can on a crazy thing called 'love'.'

'It's called lateral thinking.'

'I think you're going to have to explain what 'being transitioned out of the company' means...'

'WOW! They appointed me an 'O.F.W.A.W.M.S. Manager'... wait a minute... what the... that means 'Old Fart Without Any Worth Mentioning Sales'??!!"

TUBE-icles.

NOW HIRING SECRETARY, 'Oh, what the heck -typing is overrated anyway.'