Workplace Satire Prints

'Before you leave, we have to do a brain scan to see if you're taking any intellectual property with you.'

Pointless bureacracy/memos/policies and protocols.

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'I'm getting my resignation papers ready.'

Office worker on phone: 'If you could just email me the faxes of the photocopies of the transcripts of the fifteen phone messages in question, that would probably be the simplest.'

Boss has workers on running machines.

'Bad news, I'm afraid. I've been sacked, all bar an investigatory hearing, written notice of a disciplinary hearing, a latter appeal and possible tribunal.'

'Quick, hand me the timesheet!'

"We've decided to build a little cubicle around you and your desk, Harris."

'This is the questionnaire we need everyone to fill out about their views on excessive bureaucracy.'

"Of course if you weren't PREPARED to do any unpaid OVERTIME to HELP the company then of course your lack of MOTIVATION and AMBITION wouldn't affect your career prospects...That wouldn't be fair of us WOULD IT?"

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

'Sometimes I think this is the best part of my day.'

"It's more efficient for us if you fax the document. Then we lost it immediately rather than wait for the mail."

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

'I've been going over your performance review and to tell you the truth, I'm not very happy with these swimsuit scores.'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Boss not listening, "I hear what your saying."

New office equipment will greatly increase your productivity. This won't go unnoticed by higher-ups!

'The budget doesn't allow for a Christmas party . . . . .'

Inspired by reality shows, sensitive managers will "vote off" employees

'I see old Kendrew got promoted.'

'Fair enough… and what about your long-term goals?'

Hotchkiss, Hotchkiss, and you guessed it, Hotchkiss...'

'You have hair. I cannot promote you.'

'I think you're going to have to explain what 'being transitioned out of the company' means...'

NOW HIRING SECRETARY, 'Oh, what the heck -typing is overrated anyway.'

'It's called lateral thinking.'

'But this is what you demanded; a corner office with Windows.'

TUBE-icles.

'Woodruff, find out everything you can on a crazy thing called 'love'.'

"You'll be discriminating against employees who just laze around."

'Such a small bonus.'

'WOW! They appointed me an 'O.F.W.A.W.M.S. Manager'... wait a minute... what the... that means 'Old Fart Without Any Worth Mentioning Sales'??!!"

'We have an opening for a part-time unpaid intern, which can lead to a full-time unpaid internship.'