Modern Workplace Satirist Gifts

'I always like to interview job applicants eye-to-eye.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

In and Out Tray

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."